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This is my fault.

Posted by on May 23, 2018 in blog |

After, during, and before most interactions my main thought is: How is this my fault? How did I get here? What did I do to make him mad? What am I doing that’s not working? What didn’t I say that caused this? What did I say that caused this? On one hand, it puts me totally in control. On the other hand, I’m not actually in control of everything. So I should stop pretending. The world doesn’t revolve around you, ya know. Maybe things are going poorly because of other people. Maybe things are going poorly because of you. It could go either way. How do I know which is right? How do I know it’s not my fault? How do I know I couldn’t have changed things? How do I know it’s not my...

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Remember that?

Posted by on May 5, 2018 in blog |

Sometimes I wonder what things I’ve said to people that resonated with them for their entire life. Not that I think I’m speaking profound insight. But you know those things that people say to you that you just…can’t forget? They may have been literally nothing sentences to the person who said them. Except for some reason, they weren’t nothing sentences to you. Seven years ago a college friend offered to pay me $500 to help her shoot a wedding video. Had I ever shot a wedding before? Nope. Did I know what I was doing? Nope. Was I making $28,000 a year at my first job out of college and desperate for extra cash? Yep. The wedding was on the other side of the state, so I spent an afternoon driving to metro Detroit, wondering what wedding videographers do. Envisioning the disappointed look on my friend’s face when she reviewed my footage only to realize that I was useless. When I got to the venue, we walked through the 120-year-old Albert Kahn designed church – planning our shots. As my friend discussed logistics, I stood there imagining my own wedding taking place in that church, wondering what the soon-to-be newlyweds were like. My friend looked at me, describing the angle of the camera and said, “which will be fine, because they’re a small couple. Like…they’re both shorter people.” I’ll never forget her saying that to me. Would anyone else have forgotten that? Surely. For some reason in that moment, at that event, it created an image in my mind that I just can’t shake. My potential future and my potential wedding seemed so unsure at that time. But all I could wonder was: “Will people say that about me and my fiance? Will we both be small people?” They’re a small couple. And we...

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Managing is hard.

Posted by on Apr 27, 2018 in blog |

So that’s why this site has been neglected for years. I’ve been “busy”. I’ve been busy trying to look busy to look important to look in charge to look like I know what I’m doing. I’m mostly just trying to keep my head above water. Trying not to look exhausted and show my weaknesses. Trying to say the right things and do the right things and notice the right things and make the right calls. And trying to look like I deserve to be where I am. Does anyone deserve to be where they are? Does anyone know what they’re doing? I certainly don’t. So I’ve just been busy. Trying to seem like I...

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I Quit TV.

Posted by on Jan 11, 2016 in blog | 0 comments

Well, that might be a slight overstatement. I did quit TV. But not forever. I quit TV for this month. January 2016 is the month of no television. And who knows, it might continue. You’d think I wouldn’t watch so much TV because well, I don’t even own a TV. But I do own a computer. And my parents have a Netflix subscription. And the internet is an overflowing toilet of streaming video. Thus, any free time I had was spent consuming embarrassing amounts of TV. Why quit TV? Well, for just that reason. I wasn’t spending my free time enriching my mind. Reading books, researching ideas, growing as a human. I was just consuming. And I didn’t like it. There was a time in my life when I spent 90% of my free time working on or developing new projects. Reading books that made me a better person. Strengthening my relationship with God. Interestingly enough, I owned a TV in those days. What changed? Who knows. I moved, I have a new job, I’m interested in other things. The list goes on. But this month is my month. The month I get back to enriching myself through avenues other than useless entertainment. Okay, I’m being kind of harsh. There’s a time and place for entertainment. Sometimes after a long week, you don’t have the energy for anything other than Netflix and chill. But I had gone way beyond that point. Now I’m going cold turkey. No nothin’ not even movies. Well, unless I’m going to a theater to see it. But let’s be honest…I’m not rich so that’s only happening twice at the most. It’s January 10th and I can say things are going well. I’ve done a lot of crosswords and listened to a lot of podcasts. I want to read more, though. So yesterday I bought a book – The Screwtape Letters. I’m going to start it...

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